The New PA
by Kansasismyhome
Summary: A new PA is assigned to the squad. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Please don't sue!

THE NEW PA

Chapter 1

It was Monday morning and Cragen was sitting at his desk, his head in his hands. A long week loomed ahead of him and he was already exhausted. A knocking at the door forced him to lift his head. Standing in the doorway was a woman.

"May I help you?" Cragen asked.

"Are you Captain Cragen?" she asked.

"That's right," he answered.

The woman stepped into Cragen's office and said, "I'm your new PA." She approached Cragen with her hand outstretched. Cragen took her hand and shook it briefly.

"I don't understand. We already have a PA." he responded in surprise.

She woman shrugged and said, "The bureau called me really early this morning and said that your PA was going on a month's administrative leave. That's all they told me."

This wasn't good: anytime someone was put on administrative leave it was because they had screwed up.

Cragen looked at the woman more closely. Although no one's idea of a fashion plate himself, Cragen knew this woman was dressed very unprofessionally. Jeans, flip-flops, and a t-shirt with a questionable message on it. Her hair was unkempt and she was chewing a wad of gum.

Cragen spoke again, "I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."

"Oh, sorry, Sherry Brandywine, at your service," she said cheerily.

Cragen was sure he had misheard. "What was that again?"

"Sherry Brandywine. My parents were these radical hippies from the sixties and they thought a name like that was just the coolest. Weirdo's."

"Thanks for clearing that up for me. Not meaning to be critical, but we do have the vestiges of a dress code. No jeans, except on Friday. Close toed shoes, and shirts without messages. And no gum," said Cragen.

"Gee, the bureau didn't tell me that. Sorry," said Sherry.

"Well, tomorrow try to dress a little better. For today let me show you where the PA sits and we can get you started." Cragen suggested.

Cragen and Sherry left the office and walked out to the PA's desk. Cragen acquainted her with the phone system, showed her where the copy room was, and gave her an approximate schedule to follow. He left her to her own devices and to get to his own work.

As the morning progressed the detectives and uniforms checked in. Sherry introduced herself when convenient and jumped in with both feet on her new job.

By the end of the day Cragen had essentially forgotten about the new PA. As he was preparing to head out he stopped by her desk. A moment of guilt struck him. He had not even stopped to check on her during the day. If it bothered her, she didn't let on.

On her second day Sherry arrived in plain black dress pants and a simple white blouse. Boring, but regulation at least. Sherry was rapidly learning all the names of each person in the squad. She made fresh coffee (that was actually drinkable) every few hours. The week passed rapidly and on Friday Sherry brought in a big box of donuts. Cragen called Sherry into his office at 5:30 on Friday. Cragen asked how her first week had gone.

"Pretty well, actually. This is a nice squad; most of the folks working here have been very nice to me. I like it here." Sherry answered.

Cragen looked at the woman sitting across from him. She was in her late thirties he estimated. Her "jacket" had arrived with her but Cragen had not found the time to examine it. His official opinion was that she was going to be fine for the squad.

"Yes, the detectives have told me that you are very good at giving them messages and keeping general order. I've been hearing good things about your work," responded Cragen.

"Sir, I'm glad your pleased with me work," Sherry replied with a smile.

Cragen glanced at his watch. Almost 6pm. "Why don't you call it a day, and I'll see you on Monday."

Sherry jumped to her feet and said, "Thank you, sir, and have a nice weekend." She left briskly.

In the next week Sherry proved a willing worker. She was pleasant and good tempered. She knew very person by name, how they liked their coffee, who worked late, who came in early, who was calm and who was volatile. She volunteered to run errands and seemed to like every person equally. Cragen was impressed despite himself.

When Sherry had been in the squad two weeks Olivia Benson stopped by her desk. "Good morning, Sherry."

"Good morning, Detective Benson. How are you today?" asked Sherry, brightly.

"Oh, fine, I guess. I have a favor to ask, but only if it's convenient for you," Olivia said.

"Certainly, how can I help you?" Sherry asked.

"Elliott is on a tear today. He is in a very bad mood and I need to get away for a few minutes. Can you tell him that I got called away on a follow-up to a case?" asked Olivia.

Sherry nodded, writing a note to herself. "You got it. If Elliott comes by here I'll try to distract him and tell him you went to interview a witness or something."

Olivia nodded. "Thanks, Sherry." She quietly slipped out of the squad.

Olivia was hardly out the door when Elliott entered. His face was a mask of tension. He paced past Sherry's desk and walked down to the women's restroom. He waited outside for a few minutes then rapped on the door. "Olivia?" he called. There was, of course, no answer.

Sherry jumped into the breach. "Oh, Detective Stabler, are you looking for Detective Benson?"

"Yeah, who else would I be looking for?" Elliott snapped.

Sherry was unfazed by his outburst. "I believe Detective Benson went out to interview a witness on some sort of follow-up on a case. She left a little while ago. That's all she told me."

Elliott leaned over her desk and said very softly, "So, how long were you going to let me pace up and down this hall, huh?"

Sherry was nothing if not unflappable. "Detective, I didn't know you were looking for anyone until you called for Detective Benson." She gave a somewhat snide smile "Sorry I wasn't able to read your mind."

Elliott's bad mood got the better of him. "Don't be a smart-ass with me. Think I don't know what you're up to?"

Sherry took on a wide-eyed, innocent look. "No, tell me, detective. What am I up to?"

Elliott was slightly embarrassed. He hadn't meant to say that, exactly. He only wanted to make sure that she wasn't withholding information from him. "I said, don't be a smart-ass. I don't need it, not today." He walked away.

Olivia returned in about an hour. Sherry communicated by hand signals that Elliott was looking for her. Olivia mouthed "thank you" and hurried into the squad.

Sherry heard the disagreement between the detectives. She listened as Elliott and Olivia squabbled about duties and responsibilities. The worst seemed to be over and everyone went back to work.

At the end of the day Elliott stopped back at Sherry's desk. "I'm sorry I acted like a jerk earlier. Bad day, you know?"

Sherry smiled at Elliott and said, "It's OK, detective. We all have a bad day sometimes. Forget about it." She seemed relaxed and sincere.

"Thanks," Elliott said. "Good night." He left for the night.

Olivia stopped by Sherry's desk, too. "Thanks for the help today. Sometimes I don't know how to handle him."

Sherry looked up at the detective. "I think you do an awesome job of handling him. Men can be such a pain."

Olivia just nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Sherry Brandywine sat back in her office chair. The almost constant bustle of people going in and coming out took its toll on her. It was up to her to keep track of all the comings and goings of detectives and uniforms. It was almost a full-time job in and of itself, not to mention phones that tried to ring off the hook, forms that had to be filled out, reports to word-process, and coffee to make. Sherry stretched for a moment and then went back to working on the forms.

"Hey, Sherry, what are you workin' on?" a voice interrupted her task.

Sherry raised her head to encounter the smiling face of John Munch and the somber face of his partner Odafin Tutuola. The two men were as dissimilar as two partners could be but seemed to work well together. Maybe dissimilar styles and temperaments were helpful in police work.

Sherry smiled at the two men. "Nothin', just keeping this chair from floating away."

"Can you break away and do lunch?" Munch asked.

Sherry considered this for a moment. "Well, I usually eat leftovers from home but today I left my lunch on the kitchen counter. So, yeah, I could go for some lunch."

Sherry cleared it with the captain. Munch and Fin took Sherry to a small diner that was within walking distance of the precinct. Munch and Fin ate there a lot so they knew what to order. Sherry asked then what they would recommend for her. Both suggested a hamburger.

"Why?" asked Sherry.

"'Cause it's the only thing they can make without screwing it up?" Fin replied.

"Works for me," said Sherry.

Once lunch was ordered and beverages received the three began to talk in earnest. Neither Munch nor Fin knew much the new PA, but they were bored since they had no new cases that day. Any break in the routine was welcome.

As lunch progressed Sherry gave them a brief biography and assured them that their current PA would return in another week or so. Munch asked, "So what happened to her?"

Sherry thought fast. "Something about administrative leave, too much stress or some kind of administrative bullshit nonsense. I'm not really sure, actually."

"Oh," was all Munch had to say.

The rest of lunch consisted of precinct gossip, conspiracy theories (Munch's), and current events. When the check arrived Fin offered to pay for her lunch. Sherry thanked him but insisted on paying for her own. "Why?" Fin asked.

"I always pay my own way in this old world. Always have, always will," Sherry responded briskly.

Fin respected that and let it go.

At the end of the day Cragen called Sherry into his office. "I'm sorry it's been a hellish week and I haven't had the time to talk to you much. Are you still doing alright?"

Sherry nodded, happily. "You have a great group of people here. Is everyone as happy as they seem?"

If Cragen thought that was a strange question he didn't show it. "Yes, I believe they mostly are happy. Beats me why though. This is a tough business it be in."

Sherry said, "I was just wondering."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 4

"So what's the big emergency?" asked Elliott.

Cragen looked distraught. He had received a call at his home at 5:30am. It was IAB requesting a meeting with him and all of his detectives at 7:00am. Although it did not sound like an emergency he was informed that all his detectives needed to be in the precinct house by 7, no ifs, ands, or buts.

"I'm not sure Elliott," said Cragen. "You know as much as I do. I was told that IAB would be here at 7am to meet with all of us. Usually when it is this short a notice there's something really wrong."

The captain and the four detectives sat at the conference table. They were not used to being in so early and were just a little annoyed. The time on the clock read 6:57am.

Footsteps could be heard in the hallway. All eyes traveled to the door, waiting to see what would happen. The door opened and Sherry Brandywine stepped into the room. She was dressed in an expensively tailored woman's suit, high heels, and a white blouse. Her hair was pulled up into a French twist and she was carrying a stack of file folders.

"Good morning, Captain. Good morning, detectives. I'm Lt. Megan McFarland from State Internal Affairs Board. I hope I haven't kept you waiting." She stepped to the table and shook Cragen's hand.

The silence in the room was palpable. Each person was asking themselves what had they said to "Sherry" and what kind of things had they done. Messing with IAB was rather like messing with the IRS: a bad idea. The State IAB was much, much worse than local.

After giving everyone a moment to digest her news Megan began talking again. "I have file folders for each of you. When I give you your folder please leave it on the table so we can go over it." She began to hand out the folders. Everyone looked at the folders like they were three day old cod. That had been left out in the sun.

Cragen finally recovered the power of speech. "Why did State send in a mole for my department?"

Megan faced Cragen. She looked calm and competent and confident. "Captain, all of your questions will be answered shortly. Now if everyone would please look at the tab on the front of your folder. Your name, social, and badge number should be on it. I was doing these at 3am and I want to make sure I didn't make any mistakes. These will go into your permanent files and I want to make sure everything is correct."

Still looking unhappy the captain and detectives complied with Megan's request.

"Everything accurate? Good, now open to the first page in the folder, please," Megan requested politely.

The five people seated at the table opened their folders.

Megan continued speaking. "This first page simply says that you have seen the folders and what is inside. That doesn't mean that you agree with what it says, just that you have seen it. The second page is the form you fill out if you feel that you have a grievance with what is in the folder. My name, my office number, my cell number are all included on that page as well as my supervisor's info, too. Any questions, so far?"

Munch spoke up. "Yeah, I have a question. You seem like a decent person. Not somebody who would work for the rat-squad. How did you get into this business?"

Megan smiled. "Thanks, detective, for the kind words. Let's get through the folders and then I'll tell you how all of this came about for me. Now, back to the folders. On the next page is your full pedigree. It should start with name, social, badge number, DOB, rank, date of hire, awards, home address, and home phone. Please take a minute and make sure all of this correct."

Megan waited patiently while everyone checked the info. So far, no mistakes were found.

"Now, if you will all turn to the next page, please. This is where the true business of why you were all called in begins. The first line should read Accusations and have a colon after it. Whatever is written following that is the main reason we are here today. Some of you have one charge, some of you have several. After accusations should come Findings with a colon after it. These are the things that I observed in relationship to what each person is accused of. Please take time to read these carefully." Megan spoke calmly to the group.

For the next several minutes there was little noise, just the rattling of pages as some people had more than one page to look at while others did not.

Cragen had two pages of accusations. They ranged from too much overtime, to not controlling his detectives to police brutality. He read slowly and carefully to make sure he didn't miss anything.

Tutuola had only one accusation against him. Police brutality.

Munch had two charges against him. One accusation was sarcasm on a person held in custody and another charge of police brutality.

Benson had several charges which included being unprofessional, police brutality, and having an intimate relationship with her partner.

Stabler had numerous accusations. Police brutality, having an intimate relationship with his partner, rage issues, using undue force.

Each person finished reading their accusations in silence. The Findings section held several surprises.

Cragen's "Findings" were short. All accusations were considered to be unfounded.

Munch's "Findings" were also short. He was found to use sarcasm, but not on victims. Policy brutality was not confirmed.

Tutuola's "Findings" of policy brutality were unfounded.

Benson's "Findings" were all classified as unfounded.

Stabler's "Findings" were not quite so short. His rage issues were confirmed but found to be at an "acceptable level." Whatever that meant. Using undue force was also confirmed. This was offset by a note that Megan put into the folder praising Stabler for his gentle handling of victims.

Megan stood in front of the group. "Are there any questions about how or why I made my findings? Anything that is not pretty much self-explanatory?"

The captain and his detectives all shook their heads.

Megan continued on. "OK, if you would all turn to the next page these are my recommendations for the squad, not individuals." She turned to Cragen and spoke to him. "Captain, I usually recommend team building activities. Ropes courses, stuff like that, but in this case I didn't make that recommendation. I recommended just the opposite. Your team is almost too cohesive. I recommended relaxation techniques and other activities to be done alone. Activities to make each person feel like their own person again."

The words soaked into the squad members. They looked at each other in confusion.

This time Elliott spoke. "How can a team be too cohesive?"

"Perhaps I shouldn't have used the term 'too cohesive.' You all seem to be able to function so well together I have concerns that you are not keeping your individuality. That can be a concern with so many strong personalitied people working together." Megan answered.

"Do we do that?" asked Olivia.

"No, I really didn't see that, but sometimes I did feel some tension. That's pretty common among people who spend almost every waking hour together," was Megan's honest response.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the confusion I caused. I'm trying to get it right, but I seem to be screwing things up. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy.

Chapter 3

Sherry's month passed all too quickly. She had settled in well and now was getting ready to move on. On her last day Cragen invited her into his office. Never one to beat around the bush, Cragen got right to the point. "Sherry, you have been very efficient for someone coming in fresh to a job. If our PA doesn't feel like coming back would you consider this job as a permanent assignment? Quit temping for the bureau?"

Sherry considered Cragen's offer. She was flattered by his words. "Captain, I hope if you ever need a new PA the bureau will allow me to work for you on a more or less permanent basis. I'm glad you feel comfortable with my work and it has been enjoyable working for you."

Cragen had one last thing to say. "Sherry, can we take you out for a drink to say goodbye?"

Sherry shook her head. "Sorry, Captain, I already have plans for the evening, but thanks anyway."

Cragen rose and shook Sherry's hand. "It's been nice meeting you. I hope we meet again."

Sherry rose, too. "I'm sure we will."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Cragen had a question. "Lt. McFarland, how did we draw the attention of State IAB? Did we do something…wrong?"

Megan looked a little uncomfortable with Cragen's question. "Captain, you may not believe this but the overtime percent for each squad is only 27. Twice last year you went up to 27.2 overtime and that set off red flags for State IAB."

Cragen looked stunner. "You're kidding? That set IAB at our throats. Or, rather…uh…I meant…"

Megan brushed it off. "It's OK, Captain. Once State IAB decides to send in a mole they need more charges than just too much overtime. So, they look back at every complaint made against you, anyone working for you, and the department in general. They dig!"

For a moment everyone was silent. Megan continued a few seconds later. "We all know that no department or person is so perfect that they can't be improved upon. Right? Well, I have to make some criticisms of each of you and I have to make some recommendations. If you would all turn to the next page in the folders, please. The next page is my recommendation for each of you. Read what I have written for each of you.

And believe me, if I don't make some kind of recommendation for each of you then State IAB decides that you really have something to hide and they then send in a mole for six months. Believe me, you don't want that."

The five people around the table read what Megan wanted them to do. Each suggestion made sense and was not outrageous. At the bottom of the page was a description of each person. Megan was accurate and reasonably complementary to each person. Megan gave everyone time to read and think.

When everyone had finished Megan said, "Now, if you would all turn to the first two pages and tear them out. The top one needs to be signed and given to me. The next page you will need to retain so if you decide that you wish to file a grievance against me you will have the proper paperwork to do so. Any questions on any of this?"

When no one had any questions Megan picked up the papers that said that everyone had seen their file, whether they agreed with what it said or not. She put the papers into a file that she was carrying and then she sat down. She looked at her watch. Almost 8am. Megan looked around the circle of people looking at her and said, "Before I go, I want to tell all of you a story."


	6. Chapter 6

My apologies for the computer (operator) problems. Enjoy the temporary conclusion.

Chapter 6.1

Megan leaned back in her chair and looked at the people in front of her. When she began to speak it was with a strained and tired voice.

"Four years ago I was working in Albany. Working narcotics. I had been putting together a sting for several months. On the day the bust was to go down my wire quit on me. I, unfortunately, didn't realize that it wasn't working. When I said my "code phrase" that was to bring in cavalry, nothing happened. They didn't know my wire wasn't working either. Somehow, the druggies caught on. When the main buyer opened fire I was only about ten feet away. The first two slugs caught me in the sternum. The sternum stopped the bullets but shattered. It took an orthopedic surgeon about four hours to put in pins, plates, screws, and piano wire to reassemble my sternum. But that was fine. I could survive that. The third slug I took went through my shoulder. It broke bones and damaged cartilage, but again, quite survivable. The last bullet hit me as my back-up team came in. It went through my lung. Worse luck that it was on the same side as the damaged shoulder. Everything on my left side was so badly damaged that surgeons despaired of saving me. They couldn't save my lung or shoulder joint. Shoulder joints are really replaceable, lungs aren't." Megan stopped for a moment to arrange her thoughts.

"I spent a week in ICU, another six weeks in the hospital, a month in a skilled nursing unit. Six months of physical rehab. The most miserable experience you can imagine. When the precinct doc cleared me for active duty I still had to pass the physical test. I could shoot with not great accuracy, but just passing. The killer for me though was the run up the steps test. With only one lung you can't run. If you run you get out of breath. If you get out of breath you get dizzy. If you get dizzy you faint. Fainting in the physical test is not recommended, if you want to pass that is."

Megan rose from the table and stood by the window. She continued speaking quietly, "My captain was a very nice man. He reminded me a lot of you, Captain Cragen. After the third failing of the test he set me down and gave it to me straight. He said that the bureau lawyer had set up three different plans for my future. The first plan was for me to just quit. Give up my pension, health care, everything. The second plan was for me to take a disability retirement at 70 of my current wages. At 32 years of age that didn't sound like something I wanted to do. I could never hold anything but volunteer positions, no real job. That wasn't what I wanted to do. The third plan involved State IAB. At first I said, "No rat-squad for me!" But after a while I began to re-think my position. Maybe I could make a difference in State IAB. You know, make it a kinder, gentler police state." Munch chuckled.

Megan smiled at Munch. "Thought you might enjoy that, Munch. My first month with IAB was so bad that I wanted to quit every day. The second month was a little better as the other officers got used to me and I got used to them. They were not amused to have a woman on their squad, but they began to adjust. The third month was actually OK for me and so I decided to stay. I can't say that I love IAB like I did narcotics, but I have to be employed somewhere and it seems to work for me. It's been over three years now and I have come to respect the work done by IAB. Some of it really is useful and I have encountered some squads that do need someone to remind then of the rules that we all have to follow. I can't regret going to IAB, but I do wish my life had not turned out as it did."

A long pause followed what Megan McFarland had just said.

"Detective Munch, Detective Tutuola, do you remember when we went out to lunch? You offered to pay for my lunch and I declined. When you work for IAB they want all of their officers to be squeaky clean. Letting you gentleman pay for my lunch could have been misconstrued as a bribe. That's why I had to pay for my own. Same for you, Captain Cragen. If we had gone out to a bar it might have been seen as a bribe or some such nonsense and gotten me in trouble and you too. It's just easier to follow all the rules of IAB." Megan explained.

Another short pause followed.

"Are their any further questions from anyone?" Megan asked.

Murmurs to the negative went around the table.

Megan spoke briskly to the five people sitting around the table. "It's been a pleasure knowing you. Captain, if I made any mistakes in the PA job then that's all they were. Human error. I was not sent here to be a saboteur, just a mole. I'll go now so you all have time for reflection before the day actually begins." With that Megan McFarland gathered the rest of her belongings and left the room.

For a moment utter silence reigned. Then everyone began talking at once. After giving everyone a few moments to vent Cragen quieted then down.

"People, I feel like we dodged a bullet. How do you feel?" he asked.

"You got that right, Cap," said Fin.

"I actually feel a little relieved that it didn't come out any worse than it did," contributed Benson.

"You know all my conspiracy theories? Well, one of them was just proved correct. Big brother really is watching you. Or Big Sister," Munch speculated.

The quietest person at the table was Stabler. He knew the info in his folder was accurate as least on the rage issues. He needed to do something about his issues before they cost him his job. It felt like a wakeup call. Stabler thought back to the day he had been rude to Megan and was just grateful that she had not mentioned it or taken it personally.

Cragen turned to Stabler. "Elliott, you've been extremely quiet. Any thoughts?"

"Not really, Cap. Just thinking," replied Elliott.

TBC…eventually


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The visit by Megan McFarland left the squad feeling perplexed. Most everyone felt that Megan had been fair and honest with them. Elliot was the person most frustrated by the visit. He acknowledged that he had "rage issues" but felt that they were under control. Most of the time, anyway. The IAB mole had seen him at his irritable worst and had still found his work acceptable. Elliot realized that if his review from Megan had been worse he might find himself without a job. It was time to take action.

Elliot stayed late that same evening to talk to Cragen. At 6:05 he rapped sharply on Cragen's door. Cragen, who was putting on his jacket, was surprised to see Elliot. "Come in, Elliot. Do you need something?"

"Actually, Cap, I do," answered Elliot. "Can you give me a recommendation to talk to George Huang?"

Cragen sat down slowly. He knew that Elliot was having problems on and off the job. He was glad to see Elliot acknowledging that a problem existed. "Sure, Elliot, I'd be glad to call George first thing tomorrow. Will that be soon enough for you? I have George's emergency pager, if you need to talk tonight."

Something tight loosened inside of Elliot. The Captain was aware of the problem and was willing to be of help. "It's not an emergency, Cap. Tomorrow will be soon enough. Thanks and good night." Elliot left Cragen's office to head home.

After Elliot left Cragen sat at his desk for a few more moments jotting a note to himself to call George first thing in the morning. He was relieved that Elliot was able to understand that there was a problem and that he was willing to take whatever steps were necessary to solve his problem.

On his way home Elliot's tired mind turned over his problems. He had gone in to work nearly two hours earlier than usual so he was very tired, but more than that, his ongoing marital problems troubled him greatly. He and Kathy could not seem to be in agreement on anything. Kids, jobs, the house, vacation, extended family. You name it, and they were fighting about it. It was frustrating and annoying. It left Elliot on edge most of the time. Then there was that other thing. Elliot tried to shove the other issue in his life to the back of his mind, but it kept resurfacing. Olivia: that was the other issue. Elliot's feelings for Olivia were so conflicted. Love, friendship, worry about her personal life, a desire for her to find success in her career all crashed down on Elliot. Maybe seeing Huang was not such a great idea after all. Elliot was not entirely certain that he could face his issues.

TBC…soon


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Dr. George Huang was many things. Patient, kind, tough when needed, insightful. As he studied his newest patient his thoughts were churning.

"OK, Elliot, before we begin we need to set some goals for your visits." George hesitated to call them "therapy."

"What do you mean by goals?" asked Elliot.

"Well, specifically, what you want to accomplish by talking with me," replied George.

For a moment Elliot was at a loss for words. He knew that the "rage issues" were of foremost importance; however, his other issues kept bumping around in his head. As much as he wanted to get his situation with Olivia straightened out he wasn't sure if confiding in Huang was the best way to go. For the moment Elliot decided to take the safe route.

"I have to get my rage under control, somehow," explained Elliot. He proceeded to recount to Huang his experience with the IAB mole and how lucky he felt at not being reprimanded. Huang listened carefully.

"Elliot, the story you just relayed to me is interesting. Were you actually angry with Lt. McFarland or Olivia or both?" queried George.

Elliot had to choose his words very carefully. "Both, I think. I sorta felt like they were conspiring against me."

"That's interesting, too. Do you feel that your anger issues have more to do with women or men?" George leaned forward to look closely at Elliot. It was a common psychiatrist trick, looking closely at a patient to see if they could make eye contact or not.

Elliot, not knowing the "trick," looked away when he answered. "Really, more with men than with woman, I think."

Ignoring Elliot's words George focused in on his unspoken response. An inability to make eye contact was sometimes the sign of a lie.

"Elliot, you may have more rage issues with women than you are aware of. I've heard through office gossip that you and your wife are having some problems." Elliot's head popped up at that. He looked annoyed. George didn't let him have time to respond, he just kept talking. "You also work very closely with a woman and a different woman was the mole from IAB. Very stressful for you. What kind of relationship did you have with your mother?"

Elliot made a snorting noise. "We're not going all the way back to my childhood and blame my mother for my rage. That is just too antiquated a notion for a psychiatrist, don't you think?"

"Not really. Your relationship with your mother tends to set the ground rules for your relationship with all other women in your life. Wouldn't you agree?"

Elliot felt like he was treading water in a shark infested ocean. How to respond to George's questions without divulging his emotions for Olivia and Kathy?

The silence that fell between the two men continued for several seconds. George took charge again. "Elliot, I want you to spend some time in the next week thinking about the instances when you felt the most anger in the last week, the last month, and the last year. We need to discuss what you felt and when you felt it. Are we on for the same time next week?"

"It's good for me if it's good for you," replied Elliot.

Elliot left George's office feeling a mixture of emotions. Relief that it hadn't gone too badly. Worry that next week would be worse. Frustration because his rage issues were coming from the women in his life, his mother included. Elliot pulled out his notebook and began to make notes for next week.

TBC…ASAP


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

George Huang looked over Elliot's list carefully. The three times Elliot had experienced the most rage lately had all involved women in his life. The rage episode last week had involved the IAB mole. The episode last month had involved his wife Kathy and the episode last year had involved his daughter and her drunken driving offense.

George looked up from his reading and addressed Elliot. "Do you think it is indicative of the bigger picture that these three episodes all involve women?"

"Not really," answered Elliot. "I was the angriest at these times, but I didn't act upon my feelings. I didn't put hard hands on these women at any time."

"Good," was George's reply. "So most of the time that you put hard hands on someone it is a man. Is that right?"

Elliot nodded.

George looked Elliot in the eye and spoke from his heart. "Elliot, I don't know how you members of the SVU manage from day to day. I know I couldn't do it. Does it sometimes feel like you aren't accomplishing anything here? Is that where the anger comes from?"

It felt so good to be understood by someone. Elliot nodded again and then said, "I feel so frustrated by the perps we bring in. Most of them are so guilty but they feel no guilt. They seem to be able to justify their actions with excuses like 'I'm sick! It's a disease.' Or some such garbage."

"Elliot, I don't know what to tell you exactly, except that what you are experiencing is so understandable. But, before it costs you your job we need to do something about the anger and rage you are feeling." George's tone was kind and understanding.

Elliot thought for a moment then said, "I'm open to any and all suggestions."

George pulled out his desk drawer and pulled out a lime green stress ball. He handed it over to Elliot.

Elliot chuckled. "You're kidding me, right? A stress ball! Of all the stupid things you might have suggested this takes the cake."

George let Elliot's momentary temper roll off his like water off a duck's back. "It may look stupid but it may be the answer for you."

"I'm supposed to squeeze it when I feel stressed," Elliot guessed.

"No, I don't think that would be effective enough for you," said George. "I hereby give you permission to throw it at any perp that truly pisses you off."

It was Elliot's turn to laugh out loud. "What good would that do? It could never hurt anyone!"

"Percisely!" said George with a laugh, too.

Somehow, it sobered Elliot up. "And if it doesn't work?"

"Then you come back here and we talk some more," was George's soft response. "Now, I think we are ready to move on to other issues, don't you?"

Elliot's internal sensors popped up. He knew he needed to be careful with what he said.

George continued talking. "I got a copy of the IAB "Findings" on you. You were accused of having an "Unprofessional Relationship" with Olivia. Supposedly, they were unfounded. You were very lucky. How do you feel about Olivia?"

That feeling of being in shark infested waters returned to Elliot. How to answer George without costing him his job?

After much thought Elliot spilled his thoughts. "I love Olivia, I think. I worry that she's alone too much. I want her to be happy and I can't tell if she is or not. I also think I'm in love with Kathy. My life is so screwed up."

George set back in his chair observing the unhappy man in front of him. "So, Elliot, what are you going to do? You can't continue like you are."

Elliot turned a tense face to George. "I don't know what to do. Any suggestions, because I'm open."

George spoke carefully. "I can't tell you whether you need to save your marriage or dump you marriage to pursue Olivia. That can only be your choice. I can tell you that your first loyalty is to your wife simply because of your long marriage. I'm not saying that you have to stay with your wife, but you do need to assess how you feel for her and how she feels for you."

"How do I do that?" asked Elliot.

"By spending time with her. Be at home as much as you can, show her affection and interest. Take Kathy out for dinner or a movie or a concert. Then ask yourself what you are feeling after you have done these things. That's your homework for the next week. Can you do that?" asked George.

Elliot rose and left George's office, a thoughtful look on his face.

TBC….in the future.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"How did your homework go, Elliot?" asked George. "How did spending time with Kathy make you feel? How did she respond to you?"

Elliot sat looking down, for all appearances lost in thought. Then he responded, "OK, I guess."

"Only OK? Surely you can be more explicit with you feeling," prompted George.

"I can't explain. Sometimes, it was fun. Especially when the kids were around. I sometimes forget how terrific my kids are. The times we were alone were fine, too, but not great. I can't find the right words to explain my week of attention to my wife."

"How did Kathy respond to you? Was she eager for your presence, indifferent, angry, what?"

"Mostly, she was happy that I was around. In fact, I seemed to make her happy most of the time. I stopped by late one night and Kathy was so eager for me. We made love and I don't know if it was a mistake or not. Our daughter accused me of making a 'booty call.' That made me feel pretty awful. Now I'm not sure what I feel." Elliot was a human mixture of anger and depression.

George took a moment for reflection. "Elliot, what do you think your next step should be?"

"I have no idea. I'm totally lost here," replied Elliot irritably.

"You are going to have to assess how you feel about Olivia," answered George. "And you are going to have to figure out how she feels about you, too. Can you do that before our next meeting?"

Elliot looked a little like he had been kicked. He appeared miserable to George.

"How should I accomplish this little task?" asked Elliot.

"How do you think?" was George's question back to Elliot.

After a moment Elliot asked, "I'm going to have to be open and honest with Olivia, aren't I?"

George nodded. "It's the only way you can make a decision in your life. By the way, how's the stress ball?"

Elliot pulled the lime green stress ball out of his pocket. "Still here. I haven't actually thrown it at a perp, yet, but who knows."

After Elliot left George's office he stopped by Olivia's desk. "Hey, Liv, wanna get some lunch?"

Olivia looked surprised. "Sure. Just tell me when and where."

For a moment Elliot felt that he might get lost in her beautiful eyes with their pleased expression. He managed to say, "Gitello's at noon?"

Olivia smiled her gorgeous smile and said, "Got it."

Elliot walked away wondering what would happen to him next.

TBC….one of these days.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Thanks for inviting me out to lunch, Elliot," said Olivia as they munched on antipasto.

Elliot smiled at Olivia, wishing he was anywhere but where he was. Or not. He felt mired in confusion.

Apparently reading his mind, Olivia continued, "I was really surprised at the invite. Anything special on your mind?"

Elliot felt that a window had been opened for him. Such a perfect opening could not be passed by. "Yeah, Liv, there is."

A pause ensued. Olivia waited patiently, wondering what was going on with Elliot.

Elliot finally found the courage to continue. "Liv, you know I've had some real issues with my rage. I've had some talks with George Huang and he's had me do some exercises to find where my issues are stemming from." Elliot stopped, nearly losing his nerve. "Apparently, some of my issues are coming from you."

"Me?" Olivia sounded confused.

"Well, not actually you, but how I feel about you," Elliot explained.

Olivia looked taken aback by Elliot's words. Taken aback and perplexed. "I don't understand what you mean."

Elliot wished he was in the dentists' chair or anywhere but where he was. "Olivia, I have such mixed feelings for you. I care about you deeply. We've been partners for a long time and I think I know you better than I know anyone else. My feelings for you are convoluted. I'm still married to Kathy but I have strong feelings for you." There, he had said it.

Olivia laid down her fork, completely stunned by Elliot's words. Elliot wasn't the only one to have conflicted feelings. She had thought she was in love with Elliot for over a year but she had kept a tight reign on her feelings since Elliot was married. Now she felt her head spinning with delight but also trepidation.

Thinking quickly Olivia spoke from the heart, "Elliot, you are the best person I have ever known. I have thought I was in love with you and then I wasn't sure. I can't ask you to leave Kathy for me since I don't know if I would ever be able to have a permanent relationship with you. I've never had a long-term relationship before and I can't ask you to leave Kathy to be with me. It wouldn't be fair to you or me or your children" Somehow Kathy's wants and needs didn't enter the picture.

For a little while Elliot and Olivia ate their lunches and didn't talk. When lunch was over they split the check as they always did and went outside.

"Olivia, I need some time to think this through. Can you wait for me while I struggle along?" Elliot tried to sound cheerful but it wasn't working.

Olivia looked Elliot in the eyes and said, "Take your time, Elliot, because I have some thinking to do, too.

TBC…..in the next day or so


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

It felt as if life was falling apart for the members of the squad. They were to be called to a hearing to address charges against them. Munch had no charges against him, but who knew what might be uncovered. Fin was to defend himself against accusations that he had tested dirty for drugs. Elliot was charged with fixing Kathleen's DUI arrest. Olivia's relationship with her brother was being minutely examined, and Cragen…well Cragen was the victim of a vendetta. They all were, really. Each day of testimony was heart-wrenching. Seeing the people who worked so hard and did so much being humiliated in court was painful in the extreme.

On the third day of testimony it was Olivia's turn to casually ask Elliot out to lunch. Elliot, preoccupied with the court testimony, hardly registered what Olivia had asked and simply said yes.

This time lunch was at a hot dog stand near the courthouse. After getting hot dogs and sodas Elliot and Olivia settled themselves down to rehash the morning's testimony.

"How do you think this is going?" asked Olivia.

Elliot swallowed and then answered, "Sucks."

Olivia couldn't help agreeing. "Yeah, that's so true. I just keep wondering if we will all get to keep our jobs."

Elliot shrugged. His mood was unclear to Olivia but she decided to say what was on her mind.

"Elliot, have you given any more thought to what we discussed earlier?" Olivia wanted to know.

Elliot stopped mid-bite. His mind was so distracted that he was totally taken by surprise.

"Yeah," he managed to croak. "Have you?"

Nice side-step, Elliot, thought Olivia. What she said was, "Yes, and I really need to talk to you." She waited patiently while Elliot looked everywhere but at her for a few moments. Finally he turned to Olivia and looked her squarely in the face.

"Elliot," Olivia said quietly. "I've had some time to think and I want you to know that, if we get through this court stuff with our jobs intact, I want to be with you. I've never been able to have a long-term relationship, but I want to try it with you." Olivia looked so frightened that Elliot wanted to hug her right then and there.

"Olivia, I want to be with you, too. We can make this happen. When the testimony is over I'm going to tell Kathy that I want a divorce." Elliot's heart sang with joy.

The afternoon's testimony was just as painful but at least Elliot and Olivia had something wonderful to think about, too.

At the end of the day the detectives and Cragen returned to the squad. To Elliot's surprise Kathy was waiting for him.

Kathy looked tense and upset. Elliot took her to a conference room to talk privately.

"Are the kids OK?" asked Elliot.

"Kids are fine," answered Kathy. "Elliot, I need you to come home."

This is not what Elliot was expecting to hear. Kathy was generally too proud to ask him to come home. This did not jibe with Elliot's plans for the future so he decided that this would be as good a time as any to ask Kathy for a divorce. Before he could put his thoughts together Kathy dropped a bombshell.

"Elliot, I'm pregnant." Kathy blurted.

Elliot could have sworn that the floor opened up in front of him. He sincerely wished it would swallow him and remove the pain he was feeling. This was not how he was planning on spending the next eighteen years of his life. At least he had the presence of mind not to ask, "How did this happen?" Given Kathy's current state of mind she might very well have told him with screams.

After Kathy left Elliot sat at his desk. He truly wondered what would happen to him. In love with Liv, but having a tremendous debt to his wife. Did he have the will to break away from Kathy and do what he wanted? What was it that he wanted, anyway?

During a break in the next day's testimony Olivia and Elliot went outside to stretch and drink some coffee. Elliot needed to tell Olivia his "news" but dreaded hurting her.

"Elliot, what's the matter?" asked Olivia. She knew something was wrong but had no idea what.

Elliot took a deep breath and said, "Kathy's pregnant!"

It was Olivia's turn to take a deep breath. "So what are you going to do?" was her question for him.

Before Elliot could respond it was time to return to court. Elliot felt guilty for not going ahead and telling Olivia that he planned on returning to Kathy. It may not have been what he wanted, but he felt obligated to continue in his role of husband and father. Could his life get any more screwed up?

TBC…soon


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Thank you all for your kind reviews. As usual the disclaimers apply: I own no characters except for Megan. This last chapter should bring everything full circle. Thanks for reading.

Don Cragen sat slumped at his desk. He was still wearing his dress blues as he had not found the energy to take them off. His life and the lives of his detectives lay in ruins. A depression so deep as to be unfathomable lay upon him.

The grilling he had undergone had taken four hours. Episodes in his past had been re-examined under a microscope. Every questionable act by the detectives under his command (even those that had been cleared years ago) was thoroughly discussed. Never had Cragen been so emotionally exhausted.

Cragen was more worried about the outcome of this witch hunt for his detectives than he was for himself. He was near retirement age and could draw a full pension if he needed to leave. It had happened to Jimmy Deakins and it could happen to him, too. His detectives were much younger and some had families to support.

Cragen opened the drawer in his desk and brought out the bottle he kept in it. Although sober for many years the thought of a drink was almost unbearably comforting. Almost. As he sat contemplating a fall from the wagon there was a sharp rapping on his office door.

Cragen wearily raised his head and beheld Lt. Megan McFarland. If he had not been such a gentleman he might have groaned aloud. This day just kept getting better and better. The gentleman in Cragen automatically asserted it and he spoke as politely as he could under the circumstances. "Come in, Lt. McFarland. Welcome back. Please, won't you sit down?"

As Cragen watched Megan McFarland walk in he was struck by her appearance. She was back to the blue jeans, flip-flops, and t-shirt look. She also appeared totally exhausted. Megan sank down into one of the chairs in front of Cragen's desk.

"Thank you, Captain, and it's just Miss McFarland. Or, better yet, just Megan. I'm no longer Lt. or even employed by State IAB.

For the moment I'm unemployed." Despite the words Megan managed to sound fairly cheerful.

Cragen was shocked. "What happened? Did you quit or were you fired?"

"I quit." Megan actually sounded proud. "Captain, do you remember when I kept asking all of you if the information on their folders was correct?"

"Sure," Cragen said.

"The reason I kept asking was because if the review board finds even one error they can pitch it all back in my lap and make me start over. Not my idea of a good time. Once I turn in my findings then the review board has two weeks to go over my reports with a fine-toothed comb. They did exactly what I feared they would do." Megan elaborated.

"And what was that?" Cragen asked.

"Apparently your IAB and State IAB communicate. The things that all of you are in court for were discussed by my higher ups. They wanted to know why I hadn't discovered those charges myself."

Cragen felt confused. "But some of those charges are years old. Fin hasn't worked Narcotics for three years. Stabler's daughter's DUI was a year ago and Benson's troubles with her brother are an ongoing thing. How could you have known about those things?"

Megan shrugged. "Apparently I was supposed to snoop through your records and personnel files while I was your PA. I didn't do that because it's wrong. It would have taken your permission to see those things, and that would have blown my cover. Talk about a rock and a hard place."

"So then what happened?" asked Cragen.

"State IAB wanted to know what I was hiding from them about you and your squad. I told them I wasn't hiding anything. They didn't believe me, of course. I was then given a choice. Either come back here for three months of sitting around your squad watching your every move, or be fired. Quitting was another option and that was the option I decided to take." Megan continued her tale of woe. "Absolutely no one is going to fire my ass!"

Cragen was temporarily speechless. His own day, while terrible, was not as bad as Megan's. "Miss Mc…Megan, how terrible for you."

Megan managed a smile. "Captain, you don't want me sitting around your squad for three months. I've done that and believe me it's a miserable experience for all parties. You don't want that."

"Not meaning to minimize your own troubles, but what's going to happen to our squad?" Cragen's curiosity was intense.

"In all honesty, Captain, I don't know," answered Megan. "State IAB may wait until the local IAB finishes with you to decide what it will do. They may send in someone else or it could all be dropped. Anything is possible."

Cragen felt sympathy for the woman sitting across from him. "What will you do now, Megan?"

"Don't worry about me." Megan tried to sound brave. "I have some money saved and no particular responsibilities. No husband or children. I can do as I please. In fact, when I leave here I'm going back to Albany to pack up my apartment, turn in my key, and do a little traveling."

Somehow Cragen felt responsible for Megan's troubles. He was thinking furiously as to what to do to help her.

Megan continued her story. "Last winter I had two bouts with pneumonia. With only one lung and lots of scar tissue I have some ongoing health problems. My doctor suggested a warmer, drier climate. I was thinking Arizona. Certainly, it's warmer and drier. Also, I miss working Narcotics. Maybe the DEA has openings in its field office in Phoenix. I don't know if I can pass the physical, but I'm going to try."

Cragen spoke quietly, "Megan, if I pulled some strings, maybe I could get you a position here. How would that be for you?"

Megan chuckled. "I could never pass the physical and so no one would ever trust me to "have their back." Plus everyone would think that I was still with State IAB and would never, ever trust me. I've painted myself into a corner."

Cragen realized the wisdom of her words. He knew she was right in all her assessments. "I'm sorry that I can't do more to help you. Certainly, you tried to help us."

Megan rose from the chair. "I was only doing my job, Captain. Just like you're doing yours. IAB has no idea how hard we have worked."

Megan extended her hand to Cragen and shook his hand. "It's been good knowing you. I wish you and your squad the best."

Cragen escorted Megan to the door of the squad. He lifted his hand in a salute to a brave woman trying to do what was best in a difficult situation. Megan returned the salute and left the squad.

Cragen returned to his office and put the bottle away. Somehow alcohol didn't seem in order anymore. Cragen removed his dress blues and hung them gently, reverently in a garment bag and put his suit back on. He sat for a while in the darkened squad room letting his mind wander. Eventually, he shut off the lights and left the squad not knowing what would befall the detectives or himself. The one thing he did know was that Megan McFarland's courage was an inspiration to him and he knew he would fight on.

Fin. Thanks for reading.


End file.
